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Don’t Depend On a Guy: Make Yourself Happy Regardless

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Last night, I had a dream you weren’t mine any longer…
I was lying awake in the snow, trying to make a snow angel but it looked more like a smudge than it did as an Angel. It was cold, and I heard someone’s voice calling
my name. It wasn’t your voice, I know your voice… it as his other man’s, someone I didn’t recognize. I couldn’t see you anywhere close to me, but I felt you so intensely your smell, your warmth, everything about you. Intuitively, I was reaching out to the idea of you, hoping you’ll magically turn up and help me make the angel. But you didn’t.  
And, as I was lying still in that snow that wasn’t even wet enough to annoy me and help me wake up, I heard someone’s wedding song in the distance, but it wasn’t our song. You know why? Because we never had one. You never thought we needed one, you never thought you needed me as much as I needed you.
The dawn was breaking as this unfamiliar wedding song was losing itself in the distance; I was still trying the make the snow angel myself but failed. Even so, I was peaceful. For once, I was peaceful.
What felt like a few seconds later, I woke up, drenched in sweat. On instinct I looked over to your side of the bed only to realize you, indeed, weren’t mine any longer. And that – set me free. Thank you for leaving at the right time. If you had stayed, I’d have kept on making snow angels myself, reaching out to a man who wasn’t mine, to begin with, singing wedding songs that didn’t feel right. I know better now. I hope you’ve found your happiness elsewhere – because I’ve found mine.
What you’ve just read above is the letter I wrote to my ex a year after he left me.
We were in what I thought was a happy relationship of five beautiful years when out of nowhere, I came home to the empty side of his closet, his bookshelves emptied, his piano gone along with his cosmetics and everything else that was his. In the bedroom – a note on his side of the bed, reading: “You don’t make me happy anymore. I have to leave and find my happiness elsewhere. I couldn’t do this in person. Don’t call me, please. Stay well.” In the state of absolute shock, as I was re-reading the note, I was hoping to find cues of a shaking hand, a hint of remorse, a change of mind in the last moment, maybe. But there was nothing. All straight lines focused, written with the same precision they always are when he is filling out our energy bill. At least, I knew his decision wasn’t temporary: I knew I’d have to cry him out and cry him out good.

My whole world broke into pieces that March 2nd. There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed, take a shower, eat or sleep. I had to take a leave of absence because otherwise I would’ve been fired, anyway. After a few long weeks of learning how to breathe again, I finally decided I’ll get up, pull myself together and take that shower, go grocery shopping, and ask someone for a good therapist. Yes, my friends were everything to me, but – it’s pretty much blind leading the blind in situations like these. They didn’t know anything that I already hadn’t, and all they could do was tell me that his reasons to leave me were stronger than his desire to stay, that I needed to accept that and try to move on. But when you are as hurt as I was, all you are thinking about is how to get over someone instead of thinking about the ways to get yourself back again. That feeling of betrayal, humiliation, love that was disrespected with just a goodbye note after five years together is like being stuck in a state of constant haze, with no obvious exit to it. The good news is that everything has an end – both sadness and happiness. Once the fog lifted off of my mind, I knew I needed to talk to someone and get some perspective. I wasn’t strong enough to figure things out myself, and that’s okay. Life is often teaching us strength by showing us how weak we can get, and how high we can rise again, above everything that beat us.
It took me a year to bring my life back to normal. It was a year of intense growth that went way beyond this breakup and tackled some of the deepest emotional issues I didn’t even know I had. Dealing with those, I realized that – in order to be happy – you have to build your happy nest in your heart first and only then let someone in. Togetherness is wonderful only when you know how to stand on your own two feet first. So, my dear girls, don’t ever EVER let a relationship define you, break you or take your emotional independence away. Be your own reason for happiness, and a healthy togetherness will follow.


Mia Taylor is a fashion and beauty enthusiast from Sydney and writer for www.highstylife.com. She loves writing about her life experiences. Traveling and enjoying other cultures and their food with her husband is a big part of her life. She is always on the lookout for new trends in fashion and beauty and considers herself an expert when it comes to lifestyle tips. 
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1 comment on "Don’t Depend On a Guy: Make Yourself Happy Regardless"
  1. Hello there Mia,

    First of all, I need to say that you have some great writing skills.

    Second, I have been on your shoes, I know how it feels and it's the last place I would like to see a female. And actually, you are so right, we should never be dependent on a guy.

    Till the next post

    Cheers,

    Laura

    ReplyDelete